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Anonymous
I enjoyed my years in High School and dated many boys, went to two proms and had many friends. But things started to fall apart for me and I was devastated after my engagement to a very nice man, failed. I dated anyone who would ask me out. I searched and searched for the man of my dreams and even prayed for God to find me a good husband. I even got into drugs for a while, trying to forget my troubles. Things just kept getting worse. Then I met my soon-to-be husband 4 years later. We had the picture book wedding. We moved to the country, away from all my friends and relatives. All our married life, subconsciously, I had compared my husband, to my ex. I expected him to be romantic, loving and kind like he was to me. He was an Italian and my husband is Czech. They were two very different kinds of people. And I became disillusioned. I loved living here in the country; I loved being a wife and mother but hated the way my husband ignored me, put me down and made me the center of his jokes. Don't get me wrong, he loves me dearly but just never knew how to show it. It's the way he was brought up.
In 1981, I was sitting on my front stoop, and a neighbor came to talk and was telling my little girls all about God’s creation which made me realize I was not telling them these things myself. About a month later, I was then invited to a Woman’s breakfast and there was a speaker there that was sharing her life and how she had decided to give all her problems to Jesus. She told us of how the Bible tells us in Romans 3:23 that we are all sinners and fall short of His ideal plan for us. She told us that that in Acts 26:18 it says that because of our sins, we need to confess to Him and repent of them so we can receive forgiveness. Romans 5:12 tells us how Jesus was sent by God to free us from the guilt of those sins. I completely related to all she was sharing. This was a new idea for me and I liked how freeing it sounded. That day I gave my life to Jesus after realizing I was not fully dependant on Him. I had no idea how to depend on God for decision-making, wisdom in raising our children or ministering to my husband. As I started to go to Bible studies and letting God speak to me through His Word, I learned very quickly that I was a sinner and needed His forgiveness. After surrendering to Him completely, He started teaching me His ways. I grew in my knowledge of Whom He was and what He wanted me to do. He gave me the courage to fight the evils of this world and teach my girls what I was learning. I went through struggles and wanted to leave the Catholic Church to learn more about others faiths. But in God’s Word, the Bible, I saw where He wanted me to teach others in my church and He would teach me more through Bible Studies and listening to the radio.
As a very shy and backward adult, I answered God's call to begin serving Him. When hearing the song "Here I am Lord", I took on the ministry as Director of Religious Education of my church and did all I could to spread the Good News of Jesus' salvation for all to our parishioners. With over 200 students in our Sunday school at the time, it was a huge undertaking. The program was very slack and lacked the structure needed to help the students and parents learn. God gave me the strength and courage to speak in front of others at various meeting with parents and sponsors, something I would have fainted doing a year before. We got the program on its feet again and made much progress in teaching the adults as well as the students. We have been blessed with two calls to the ministry of priesthood as well as many students going on to minister in our parish as teachers and wonderful parents.
I continued in His service for over 10 years. But as the years went on, my girls kept disappointing me, going their own way and not showing any interest in God. I became bitter and disillusioned in them and in my husband, even though he had given his life over to Jesus many years before. I gave up on life, feeling God had given up on them and me. I let my life just drift by. Then as I turned 50, I started to realize that my life was empty. There were so many things I still wanted to do and was stagnating in a pool of self-pity. Everything I went through was caused by my lack of commitment to God. I had let my prayer life and my Bible reading time drift away.
In September of 1999, I got a nice email from my ex-fiancé'. He had found me after much searching from a classmates web page. It's the only way he would have found out my married name. We started to write back and forth catching up on what had happened since our break-up 30 some years ago. I was feeling very neglected and bored with my life and was using him to dump on. I had always felt I could share everything with him and still felt that way.
I had dated a few men before I met him and they always ended up in the service. After we got engaged he also joined the Navy and it was more than I could bear. I just couldn't handle being left behind again. He had promised to come home to see me and then on Friday would tell me he couldn't. This happened 8 weeks in a row. I missed him terribly and then a friend said that he may have found a girlfriend and my mind went crazy. I started to believe it and then broke it off. I wrote him a "Dear John" letter. When he got home 2 days later, I refused to talk to him although he tried to see me many times. I never saw him again. I had burned all of his letters, and erased all memory of him, until now.
Chatting to him again, I found out he had married very quickly on the rebound. But now he was divorced. I was starting to wonder if I had hade a big mistake. I listened with sadness about all he had been through and of course complained about my life and it's loneliness. He told me he had always loved me and still did.
After hours and hours of chatting we started talking on the phone. I hid behind my husband's indifference toward me, believing he no longer loved me and clung to someone whom I thought did. That's when, what I thought was my "knight in shining armor" stepped into my life and I was ready to be rescued. Wanting to leave Jesus and my husband behind, I was ready to start over. I was feeling I had been a complete failure.
But God had not turned His back on me; I had turned my back on Him. He was there the whole time, wanting me to ask Him for help. But I didn't, I felt I knew better, what was right for me. I wanted to "follow my heart" not His. But my mind knew better. When I refused to admit my guilt, I sank into a deep depression. I lost 20 pounds from not eating and did nothing but cry. I shared my thoughts with my husband so he knew what was going on but he tried to ignore it. I eventually told him I was leaving.
In the meantime my ex traveled 10 hours to see me. We spent a week of days together going to all the old places we went when dating. We had a blast but I was so torn about what to do. I went home every night, and I kept myself pure physically but in my thoughts I wanted to be with him. I was faithful to my husband and did not want to give into any of the temptations I was having. He went back home very disappointed.
When I told my husband I was leaving, he also went into depression; He thought he was losing his job and now me. In fact he told he had thought of killing himself in the garage when working on my car. He agreed to counseling if I wanted to, which I had been wanting to for 20 years. When we did go and I told him everything. He blamed himself and said he would change. In the meantime, I had told all my friends about my new (old) love and some were happy for me, others told me they were disappointed in me. (I am lucky to be surrounded by many God-fearing women.) One actually knelt down with me and we prayed together right in the bowling alley!! I think that was the turning point. I still wanted to leave my husband but knew I could not be with my ex.
I had made arrangements to visit him in St. Louis. I had plane tickets and all. My councilor suggested I go and my husband agreed. It was the only way to put closure to it all. I went to celebrate the New Year in St. Louis with my new friend. And I told him that before I left. But I was being naive. After five days of discussing, arguing and finally making peace, we agreed to forget all that had happened. He also was suffering with depression for the second time. The first time was when his wife left him and now again. What I must have put him through! I found out so much about his personality that he made my husband look like a saint. I knew then that God had answered my prayers as a young lady and had given me the husband that was good for me. We just had a lot of issues to deal with. I knew I had made the right decision 30 years ago.
When I got back home, I felt such a loss and grieved all over again. But my husband and I were getting along so much better. We talked for hours and kept going to counseling. We started dating again. We celebrated our 25th anniversary for a whole year. We went away in January for our weekend, had a party in the spring, and went on a cruise in the fall. Since renewing our vows, it has been a most rewarding experience, living with God as our center. My obedience to God has launched me into a powerful ministry in my church, with my friends and even on the Internet. God turned something terrible into something good. I praise God every time I think of all the things He had lead me thru and the lessons I learned from them.